world is a stage

1.when I passed by Angelo's window, he smiled at me and said hello to me; later I tried to avoid passing by from his window, and took another path, just avoid saying hello with him with a smile. Because I felt uncertain and not confident about that.(14 year old girl)
2.When I am browsing some entertaining news with big pictures of the attractive people from internet at office, I worried of being seen by colleagues. (14 year old girl)
3.when a man approaches me, and I sensed something is changing from friendship to romantic feelings, I started to get nervous and panic(14 year old girl); But before the change, I really expect it(21 year old young woman).
4.It seems that I only want to get care from man or care is most important, but what man wants is always sex, felt frustrated(11 year old girl).
5.If a man cares about me without any sexual hints or topics, I think he is boring(21 year old young woman).
6.if a man directly shows that he wants sex, I would usually refuse because he wants the answer NOW, but I could not make a clear decision YES, but I also feel excited, when he is totally stranger to me(21 year old young woman), sometimes feel stressful when he is  someone in my network(14 year old girl).
7.if a guy first cares about me, and talks with me in an open and free way, and shows interest in me, I would pay attention to how I look like(21 year old young woman), hope to be attractive to him. and when he is attracted by me, I became careless and "selfish"(26 year old mother, when the baby me was 3 years old)----wants to keep the good feelings, wants to control the situation, just like mother. and started to expect a lot from the guy, hope he would cherish me and love me and take care of me as his sweet honey. And starts to tell him about my story, expects that he can understand me. This usually gives burdens to him and I would complain a little when he fails to meet my expectations. He became unhappy, sometimes does not respond to my story, they start to lose their good feelings of attraction and appeal, and I start to doubt that they don't really love me, I feel wrong, and I feel disappointed, and I disconnected with him in my mind first and cut the dependency on the man and not be sweet to him any more, and became independent from him, polite and also sometimes cold(the independent and determinant self, always make decisions from what I need, and without thinking about how others feel, it can also be called "Ego"). If he enjoys the sex, and asks for more sex, I would refuse and think the intention why he approaches me is because of sex. (11 year old girl)

It seems that I have a prototype of how a man and woman relationship should be,(very similar with mother and father) when I see some potential candidate, I would try to capture him into my magnetic field, and he jumps into "my trap" with pleasure. I try to fit him with my prototype from my side, but I never tell him "you should do this, you should do that". If he does not behave as I expected, I just refuse him in my heart first, and later just be very straight forward and clear to him. That's all.

See, I have also seen how unreasonable I am. But these preoccupied ideas and certain views are part of myself, they carries a lot of energy, they feel happy, they felt desperate, and they feel depressed. And What I can do is to just watch them, and love them, invite them to open their eyes to see the reality, to see there is a freedom to certain degree.

This morning I woke up with a terrible dream: My mother scolded me and got very angry at me, because I took apart a very precious thing and could not put it back together. That was very important for her, and she really pissed me off, and she even raised her hand and wanted to beat me. Somehow in dream, I already became different as the way I used to be in my childhood. I stood still in front of her, and looked at her without fear in my eyes, and showed that I am ready for her beat, and meanwhile I was thinking in mind: yes, you are angry, you wanted to punish me to release, you blamed me for making a mistake, you considered this precious thing more important than your daughter, you are stupid. You do not know how to teach your daughter to be careful when dealing with precious things, you only know how to show your rage and make your daughter afraid of you.  Well, I could not convince you that you are doing something wrong, I could ask myself to be wise enough to tolerate your punishment, without guilty, without fear. I decide to tolerate because I love you, but I never agree with you on your behavior.  Her arms stay in the sky and finally she did not beat me. And that's over, I came  back to my reality of working everyday.

With Andre, I discovered a lot, I became happier and calmer, and more confident. And I started to make friends with my colleagues, I changed a lot. Those anxieties go away, and in one word, I am making a lot of progress in myself. I am also becoming a much better lover, I do not know how this happens, now I felt quite happy about myself. With more interaction with the people around, I appreciate the details in life. And sensations come back to me, like I have never been hurt before.

Andre also become a much happier guy, as he told me, he changed a lot, and he has more hope for future. He told everyone he met everyday about me, about who I am, even he told his boss about me during their discussion in work, even though many people have not really seen me, yet. His health conditions are also getting better. He is proud of me, and he cherishes me a lot. He is not a fast man, but he make me know that I am lovable and beloved. anyway, I will also tell my colleagues about him, I am sure some of them must be very interested in that. It's also important for me to share with them, from a personal developmental view, or psychological view.

This afternoon, my sister left a message on my screen that she already got the 3000 yuan from Liming, which is originally from me. It's actually the debt I paid to my parents. Mother asked her to give all the money back, but she wants to keep 500 yuan for herself, she wants to lie that she only got 2500 yuan from Liming. And she asked me to tell the same to mother. I could not agree. I do not appreciate her living attitude like a parasite. She complained that her boyfriend want to marry someone whom he could share a lot in life, including doing business together, but not some beautiful woman at home, spending a lot of money, only for his sexual desire. Well, anyway, she said she wants to be with him. Then she has to support herself, but not be dependent. She is angry about mother that mother wants to ask the whole money back. and she said she is very depressed that she wants to kill herself, just lack of the courage. Well, I asked her to go to the leader in the hospital to ask for her salary, she has worked in the hospital since April, but she got nothing for her living, she got money from parents regularly, and she is still blaming parents. I told her that it's her right to have the money for her work, even in a capitalist society you got one day's money for your one day's work. You do not ask for that, but you ask from  mother, and you even blame them. This is not the right solution for this problem. She is very angry, she said last time she asked the leader about her salary, they want to fire her! Well, I do not believe it! This is just her way to see things, because she is overwhelmed by her fear of losing job! The whole family of mine live in this fear, and they made compromise to everyone, they have no space to live, they fight with each other to release the stress. I remembered how many times mother punished me because of nothing but her unhappiness. Sometimes she blamed that I am happy when she is not. She was dominant, she is angry that I do not care about her problems. Later under the pressure of blame and scold, I care, and I lose myself. I lose my boundary. I became a slave, first for her, then for other people who make me feel stressful. I was taught not to fight, but obey. Anyway, it's all over, everything, all over. From today on, I realize myself out of this negative emotional circle. These threatens, these complaints and blames could not control me any more. The authoritarianism of the weak, especially our dear ones, will not ride me any more. I am not going to let myself also negative only to show the care for them. Never! It's such a wrong idea!

For the reason that I will give a talk in our group meeting this week or next week, and I will give a talk on the progress seminar in our institute, and will have to finish my annual work report before that seminar, I want to concentrate more on work this week, and I do not meet Andre this week.

Last weekend we almost spent a whole weekend together, from Friday evening to Sunday evening. we went to swimming these 2 days, and Sunday evening we went to the Birthday Party of my Hungarian colleague, and he was a little clumsy in social situations, as I can see. Totally opposite to Ivan on this point. I realized myself having some disgust emotions rising up because of his clumsy. I do not like it. Finally we went back home. On the way, he talked with me about his dream to have a fancy car, in a joking way, I could not really follow it. Somehow I thought, if you want a car, you can just try to earn more money and you will be able to afford a car. we are already at a doing or acting age, but not at a only dreaming age. Anyway, I became very serious to his jokes... And I do not like my way of reacting him. He asked about my dream, I said: Perfect sex. He became a little unhappy. Then he said he wanted to go to his own flat. We said goodbye on the train, and I did not feel calm and relaxed in mind.

Monday morning I tried to find out what is bothering me. It seems that I inherited some patterns of mother in me. She scolded me a lot usually in a group of people, mostly with our relatives, which is the only social situation which is supposed to be relaxed and turns out to hurt me a lot. That's from quite early years of my life, and it repeats every Spring Festival. She inspect every movement and every word of me, if it's not proper, she would be very angry at me, because she is so afraid that her stepmother would judge my improper behavior in her mind and laugh at mother's ignorance and incapability. It comes later in other social situations with my classmates at school. Somehow social situation become something terrible for me, because I have so many improper behaviors, and nobody ever told me the right one. I became very silent while other children were enjoying their happy time in childhood. I never got a chance to learn how to behave properly in social situations until in university I made some American friends and got a lot of encouragement from them. They were Christians, however they saved me from a totally dark shyness and isolation, they even showed me what unconditional love is. After university I became much more optimistic, positive, happy and attractive, for this I am always thankful for them helping me walk out of the darkness, and I even have friends from that time! Anyway, that's not the whole story, they have showed me the way to bright, 1 or 2 years after I graduated from university, the dark side became more and more dominant as the contact with my parents became more and more. Again, the stress of survival they imposed on me made me desperate, and in a lot of situations I was still not able to deal it properly. I was very clumsy with every boss of mine. Subconsciously they are my mother at that time, who has a lot of right to me, can ask me to do things, and I have to try my best to finish everything. I tried to avoid them. Even now with the boss today in Germany, I still could not feel very free with him, I do not know what to talk with him when we are walking together, and also I would not want to look at him in his eyes for a long time, but only a short "Hallo". I could not talk with him about my boyfriend or relationship, if he started to talk about it, I would feel embarrassed. I could not treat him like a human being. I think I just see him as many dominant sides of my mother, and I should be brave enough to do something to differentiate the illusion from the reality. Every boss is a warning signal, calling me to pay attention to this aspect of my problem. It's not easy for me, to face every situation which bothers me, and find out the reason behind, and release my unexpressed emotions in the early years. From the year 2003 to now 2008, I have been a lot of time so desperate and crying about my early experiences in life, because it's just so difficult for me to bring a change to them. It's more likely to stay in a negative cycle, than find a way out. I cried many times, and after that I just became more determined and certain that there should be a way out. And meanwhile I explored life, and tried to make friends who shows care and love and could help me walk out of this darkness. And I tried to bring happiness to people around, even though I lived with all my problems which are getting less and less slowly. And Stephan also helped me a lot with his wisdom and experience with age, he has seen 4 parts of me. It's been painful to leave him, but after that I have more inner strength because of knowing myself better, and more important, I learned to reflect myself from my emotions towards other people, and got to know what kind of need was not satisfied yet in my past. It's not always happy, most of the time the emotions are negative, I just let myself deeply immersed in the emotions for sometime, when it finishes and I finally get out, I become wiser in mind and stronger in emotions.

OK, back to Andre, he is clumsy in social situations, yes, this is not what I can do to improve. But my disgust emotions are from the strict and unreasonable mother which is internalized in me. Very similarly she got very angry when she saw me clumsy when talking with people. She wanted me to behave in a sophisticated way, the same I expected from Andre. Anyway, I myself do not really want to control him, he can do whatever he wants, he has the freedom, he is the one who will finally be responsible for his life, his decisions and his behaviors, not me. Mother, just take a rest, let people do whatever they want to do, they will become mature, anyway.

Andre called me Tuesday evening and Wednesday evening. Tuesday he told me about his mother's operation, his mother did not tell him anything before her operation, but later after that she did. I was very surprised, then I told him about my mother's operation, she complained a lot to me before her operation that I did not care enough about her, and she was very angry about that. And I felt wrong and guilty. And then I told him that today a Chinese girl came to our institute from China, and she will start her PhD here, she came with her husband, then I asked her what her husband would do here, she told me that he will first study German then applied for some universities here. But they do not get too much money, I think it's quite difficult. Andre thought it's a naive idea. and he said, actually I am very similar with his mother, because we cared and talked about other people's problems, but he only cared about his own problems, he is not interested in other people's life. I asked him why he always looks so sad and unhappy, he said, nothing special to be happy, he just accepted all his emotions, and not like many people who hide their negative emotions. Then he said to me, I asked him why he is sad, he did not tell anything unhappy, but I talked a lot about problems most of the time, this made him unhappy. 

Wednesday evening again he called me, I asked him how is his day, he said, it's good, nothing interesting to tell. Then I told him something I considered interesting in my day, actually a lot. Finally I told him that a big German man and a German woman rang my bell in the early evening when I was cooking my dinner, they spoke Chinese to me, and they talked with me about Jehovas Zeugen, I talked with them for almost 5 minutes and finally they left. Then I told him about people I met about that, all of a sudden, he proposed that we switch a topic, because he is angry about those people, they are sect, but we spent a lot of time talking about them. Finally I asked: they are so devoted to this, and spend so much time and energy on this, what do they do to make a living? He said: I do not care. they are just "shit",you should be strict to them and refuse them immediately, you should not spend time with them. You are so naive, so curious, so that's the strategy they used on you. I really worry about you.

Oh, this morning I woke up with his naiveness judgment. I do not really like it. I do not need his judgment. I know I am not ready on many things, and I am clumsy with my boss. but what I need is encouragement and confirmation, especially from people whom I have established a close relationship with. His judgment is like a knife on the heart.

I do not care whether he really loves me or what, if what he did to me is not on the same way where I want to go, I would just reduce his influence on me. It is curiosity which lead the exploration in my life, it could never be wrong. I have my brain, I am not stupid, I know how to make decisions which is right for myself, I do not need his judgment. I tell him something happening in my daily life, because I like to share with him, and also because he was so silent and slow. If this became the cause of his judgment, I could try to spend more time with other friends who has the same temper with me. I do not want to agitate him.

This morning I came to office, my German class was just over, and I skipped it again, for the 4th time, I think. Oh my god! and differently I do not feel guilty about it any more. Well, When I walked into office, Franziska is in her seat, so she is back from her treatment. I said hello, and asked whether she is OK or not, She just kept laughing, laughing a lot. I asked what is fun, she said: everybody is not normal. Well, I am very confused, I do not know what she means, but I need to come back to my work. When I sat down on my chair, I realized that I could not really start to do my work, I was still wondering why everybody is not normal. I need to ask about it later.
 

This afternoon there is a group meeting, and I will have my German class to go. And Friday I need to discuss with my boss about my work, and my progress with some software. But meanwhile, my mind was not so calm. About Andre, and about my boring but normal talk with many people. I do not know, make me feel I am hundreds of years old and going to grave soon. It's not only about dresses. It's about trying to control and occupy something or somebody. I have to write them down, otherwise I could not do anything at this moment.
        I was looking for a secondhand bicycle when I met Andre, and I told him. he asked around and promised me a bicycle. Even so I still go to the secondhand shops and look around and I only need to pay for the reparation fee. He was so sure, so I gave up my plan of looking a bicycle for my own. We met in the time management course, then went to Werder together, he carried my wine for me, and finally I forgot it, so we met again in Waschbar for my bottle of wine, there he invited me to the latino concert in Waschhaus, before that we went to watch a movie together in Kino barbelsberg, then I went to his birthday party, at that time his brother just brought the bicycle for him from Berlin, and the bicycle had some problem. So he said he will bring the bicycle to repair and let me know the price, OK, and he proposed that I should go to his place on Sunday afternoon to try my bicycle. Sunday I went there to meet another friend, afterwards I sent him a message, he was in Berlin, but I already got very tired so I came back to my home. I invited him to come to the party near our apartment, so he could by the way bring the bicycle to me. He did, and in my apartment he told me"I changed my mind. Can I just rent you the bicycle?" I was very shocked at the beginning, but then I said:"I do not want to rent a bicycle, I would like to buy one." "It's OK that you do not want to "....

Forget about it, I already wrote Andre an email about the whole bicycle matter. Good I am. I should not always say: OK, yeah, OK... I should also say: No. and sometimes even point out the disrespect of somebody towards me, because I could not accept that. I could not say yes or OK in front of the person, and then give myself a lot of trouble, self-criticism, regretting about my behavior and complaining about how bad and cruel my mother had treated me when I was a little girl, during my working time,  I , actually have the power to make a change, just break the rules knowing the fear behind and overcoming it. That's all, then I succeed. I will not always make comprises only to make other people accept me. Nobody is worth my doing so. And nobody cares about what kind comprise I am doing for him or for her. It's really stupid, out of the fear of being judged and criticized. And I do not finally get anything from it.